A potty humor post (Sarah)

I’ve decided to start documenting the things to which we have become habituated. Things which we used to marvel at, but which have become old hat. I plan on writing about men’s fashion, 100 yen stores and the like. This is the first of said posts:

I think nearly everyone has heard of the technologically advanced and vaguely magical Japanese toilets. What you aren’t told about the Japanese toilets is that they are not by any means always so magical.

I’ve experienced the great toilets of my life here, and also perhaps the worst. This is a land of contradictions and paradoxes in many ways. – They say Japanese venerate the elderly, but when an elderly person gets on the train every seated 20 to30 something suddenly gets the most important text of their lives. They  become  totally unaware of the geriatric woman standing inches from them, so riddled with arthritis that her upper body is literally perpendicular to the ground.  There is also the national pride that many of my students have expressed for being a country that takes recycling seriously. Yet everytime I go to any store I come home with at least 3 new plastic bags. We have a collection, which numbers in the hundreds, but there is NO plastic bag recycling in this country and so my plastic mountain grows. Another lovely paradox is the case of the salary man. He works crazy hours and is more devoted to his job than he is to his family. He is 100% serious and hopes to die surrounded by his coworkers’ cubicles as he punches in the latest sales data. But this resolute man with the stern face becomes a wild party animal each night after working an 11 hour shift. He goes out drinking with his coworkers and at the end of the night, he stumbles home or passes out on the side of the street. Sometimes on his way home, he cannot stop his bodily functions and just whips out his dick and pees wherever he is. One at least one occasion (that I’ve been privy to at least), his problem is a heavier load—but his solution is the same. Drop the pants, and let it happen on the sidewalk (10 feet from a convenience store with a toilet). And so with my great digression, I have brought us back to toilets:

The worst: traditional style Japanese toilets.

Ewwww.....Even the clean ones look gross.

A helpful how-to for those of you who may be confused.

Those who have traveled a fair amount will have already encountered this style of toilet—the good ol’ hole in the ground, also known as the “squatty potty.” Now, I’m no stranger to this type of toilet-in fact when I saw one in the bathroom on my first day of training, I felt like I had been reunited with an old friend,  one who occasionally causes me to get pee on my feet—but an old friend all the same. And the average “Japanese style” toilet doesn’t bug me. But I have encountered many that go well beyond average.

In order to fully grasp how gross the worst toilet I’ve encountered in Japan was, you probably ought to hear my story about toilets in rural Egypt, for comparative purposes. Six years ago during my spring break in Italy, s and I decided to travel to Egypt. About half way through our trip we ended up taking a 2 day ride up the Nile on a felucca.  This is just a flat boat and nothing else. On a felucca, you sit or lie down as the wind slowly moves the boat. You sit where you eat, which is also where you sleep. And there are no toilets. Pit stops on the bank of the Nile and squatting behind a bush are done for number ones.

As Cosi and I prepared ourselves for our first night, we realized were in need of more than a bush.  We told the captain and he brought the boat in at the nearest town. This town consisted of only a few huts and from what we could tell, only one toilet in the entire town. This toilet was a literal hole in the ground. No flushing, no running water, no seat, no easy way to aim, and as we were told, “no tossing the toilet paper in the hole”. There was a large waste basket to help out with that last one. After a vague effort and the experiencing the lovely sight and smells of the toilet, I decided I could wait another day.

And so, when I encountered the grossest toilet in Japan, I was as prepared as I probably ever could be. I encountered it during Daniel’s and my visit to Okinawa. During our trip there we decided to go snorkeling and I encountered this toilet at one of the island’s top snorkeling spots. This toilet was in a bathroom with a number of similar looking toilets, all of which were “Japanese style.” There was no toilet paper in sight, but there were feces just about everywhere. Evidently people had had difficulty getting it into the hole and then when they had realized there was no toilet paper, had come up with creative ways to wipe: against the walls, on the flusher, and on the far side of the toilet. Needless to say, I just peed in the ocean.

The Best: Western style toilets with all the modern convenience. 

Oh the options!

...And a helpful guide for a Western style toilet. These posters are all over the stalls at the airports.

Growing up I knew a family who had an imported  fancy Japanese toilet so I’d already been aware of the special spray options. In fact, most toilets have at least two spray options( with adjustable water pressure of course), a bidet option (any all over spray to clean up your whole down stairs mix-up) and an Oshiri (a little spray right in the anus).  You can imagine how helpful these sprays can be when things get a bit messy….

But besides the spray options, Japanese toilets have other, and in my opinion, far more magical options. Many have heated toilet seats. You can adjust the temperature to choose just how comfy you want your booty to be. This is especially nice on cold days when you may just decide to hang out on the toilet cos it’s warmer than outside. Some even have drying options so that if you use the spray you don’t have to leave the stall with a lil’ wet butt. Another favorite is the “imagined privacy” option as I like to think of it. Usually it’s activated by waving your hand in front of a sensor, but sometimes there are buttons on the control panel. After activating the imagined privacy option you will hear rushing water, or chirping birds, or a lovely mixture of the two.  The whole idea is you activate it to cover up any sounds you may be making, giving you a false sense of modesty and privacy.  Every Japanese person uses this option when it comes time for a number two and many even use it for a number one. Once again, the contradiction is that as soon as you activate that button, everyone knows exactly what you are doing. There’s really no such thing as a sly poo in Japan.